Funny Quotes

clipped from: buddhism.kalachakranet.org

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

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People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.
Bangstrom

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

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Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson

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If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do , then YOU DESERVE IT. I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird. Frank Zappa

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If a person wants to be atheistic, it's his God-given right to be an atheist.
Michael Patton

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If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Ogden Nash

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Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

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God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

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The less we know, the longer the explanation.
B.G.

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Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery

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Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
H. M. Warner, founder of Warner Brothers film studios, 1927

PDF Ebooks

clipped from www.netlibrary.net eBOOK COLLECTIONS: PDF Collection (Thousands of Categories) 330,000+ PDF eBooks to read online or download Expand Your Home Library With A Lifetime Of Reading Classic Children's eBook Collection (Browse Collection)

Point of View by Shel Silverstein

This goes out to all of the turkeys.

clipped from www.maineanimalcoalition.org Point of View by Shel Silverstein Thanksgiving dinner's sad and thankless Christmas dinner's dark and blue When you stop and try to see it From the turkey's point of view. Sunday dinner isn't sunny Easter feasts are just bad luck When you see it from the viewpoint of a chicken or a duck. Oh how I once loved tuna salad Pork, lobsters, lamb chops too 'Til I stopped and looked at dinner From the dinner's point of view.

Top ten ways to improve your mind & fun ways to live long

clipped from longevity.about.com Top 10 Ways To Improve Your Mental Fitness Play Games Meditation Eat for Your Brain Tell Good Stories Turn Off Your Television ) Exercise Your Body To Exercise Your Brain Read Something Different Learn a New Skill ) Make Simple Changes Train Your Brain clipped from longevity.about.com 1) Drink Red Wine Eat Dark Chocolate Smile Have More Sex Relax Make Exercise Play Sleep Spend Time With Loved Ones Solve Puzzles and Play Brain Games ) Be Positive

Facts about every number up to 9999

It wouldn't let me clip just a few numbers to show. Go to the site, it's pretty cool...

clipped from www.stetson.edu What's Special About This Number?

The world's real shape(s): see these images...

so informative, a fresh thinking.. excerpts

clipped from www.dailymail.co.uk How the world really shapes up Rather than defining each country by size, these computer-generated modified maps - or cartograms - redraw the globe with each country's size proportionate to its strengths, or weaknesses, in a whole series of categories. For instance, when it comes to military spending, the U.S. appears bloated, but Africa is huge when HIV prevalence is mapped. The cartograms were produced in a unique collaboration between the universities of Michigan in the U.S. and Sheffield. Here are images and more details on some of the most fascinating... Alcohol Consumption (2001) HIV Prevalence House Prices Military Spending War and death Toy Imports Toy Exports Wealth of Nations (1500) Wealth of Nations (2002)

Why Dogs are Better Than Cats

clipped from www.geocities.com Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. Cats look silly on a leash. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Time makes Reagan cry with Photoshop

clipped from www.boingboing.net Time makes Reagan cry with Photoshop "The first new-look issue, on newsstands tomorrow, features what appears to be a photo of Ronald Reagan with a fat tear sliding down his cheek, illustrating the cover story, "How the Right Went Wrong." A somewhat cryptic credit in small type on the (revamped!) table of contents describes the image this way: "Photograph by David Hume Kennerly. Tear by Tim O'Brien." Nowhere does it specifically state that the cover is a photo illustration—in other words, that it's Photoshopped."

Unintentionally funny newspaper headlines

clipped from: funnies.paco.to

Some are just slips of the tongue

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• Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
• Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
• Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
• House passes gas tax onto senate
• Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
• Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
• William Kelly was fed secretary
• Milk drinkers are turning to powder
• Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
• Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
• Farmer bill dies in house
• Iraqi head seeks arms

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Some become unintentionally suggestive

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• Queen Mary having bottom scraped
• Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
• Prostitutes appeal to Pope
• Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
• NJ judge to rule on nude beach
• Child's stool great for use in garden
• Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
• Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
• Organ festival ends in smashing climax

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Grammar often botches other headlines

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• Eye drops off shelf
• Squad helps dog bite victim
• Dealers will hear car talk at noon
• Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
• Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
• Miners refuse to work after death
• Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
• Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

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Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

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• Never withhold herpes from loved one
• Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
• Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
• Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

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Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

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• If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
• War dims hope for peace
• Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
• Cold wave linked to temperatures
• Child's death ruins couple's holiday
• Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
• Man is fatally slain
• Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
• Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation